How to write a shitty document — in 7 steps
Forget all the advice about how to write GOOD!
Let’s write a shitty document!
(in 7 easy steps…)
Step 1: Remember, this is ALL ABOUT YOU!
You’re the writer. You get to decide what they need to hear. Too bad if it’s long, they’ll just have to read it. That’s their job. Too long sounds like a them problem, not a you problem, amiright??
Step 2: If people are using it, so should you.
I mean, if they’re going forward with their plans to implement facilitating reciprocal contingencies and authoritatively architect cross-platform methodologies, so can you, dammit!
And while you’re at it, you should probably professionally monetize economically-sound catalysts for change.
Step 3: Pull. Out. That. Thesaurus, baby!!
Thaaaat’s right! If you want them to take you seriously you have to sound like you know all the things! Big words tell them you know all the things. Big words make you sound S.M.A.T. SMART. So go on. Find. Bigger. Words!
I mean, you don’t want to sound like YOU, right? Be better!
Step 4: Copy and paste, baby!
I mean come on. Let’s not re-invent the wheel. There are THOUSANDS of documents that have been written before. Pick an impressive-looking one and just change the title and the names. I mean, no one’s gonna read it anyway, right? So you might as well put your name on something flash-looking. If it got used before, it might be right. Right?
Step 5: Formal gets taken more seriously.
Lots of words makes the document look serious. Show them you’ve done enough work by wowing them with page after page of text. Doesn’t that feel good?
Step 6: Make. Them. Work. For. It!
You should DEFINITELY not make it easy for them to find answers to their questions. You should most definitely expect them to read. Every. Word. THEN and only then do they get the reward of the information you’ve so skillfully hidden amongst your self-aggrandising monologue.
Step 7: If you give it away, they won’t read it.
So make sure you keep the best stuff to last. You wouldn’t want to lose them by giving it all away up front!
But don’t bold those important points like I have in my example. Make those suckers earn their big bucks. No spoon-feeding here!
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You’re welcome!
